Junk Mail, Spam, and Buttock Augmentation

Junk mail, cold calling, charity muggers, scams…

In this world of endless and unfettered communication we are all open to having our day interrupted by one or other of these modern menaces. This nonsense deposits itself squarely in our inbox, or cold calls us at home, or even, with a smile and a giggle and an “aren’t I a cheeky monkey for accosting you in the street”…well, basically just accosts us in the street.

I’m not sure which company decided recently to pass my personal details around to every Tom, Dick and Harry who wanted them, but someone did, because the amount of nonsense appearing in my inbox has suddenly gone off the scale. I ignore almost all of it – particularly the stuff with spelling mistakes, never a good sign – but I must confess I had my head turned recently by a particularly disturbing e-mail subject header.

“Free Prize Draw”, it said, “Win Laser Eye Surgery!”

Hmmm.

So, that’d be essentially a doctor (?) aiming a laser at my cornea, and burning bits of it off in order to improve my eyesight…but laser eye surgery that’s being given away as a free gift?

You know what, if I was to opt for laser eye surgery (and that’s a big if), it’s probably one of the things where I would want to pay good money for the best possible doctor, with a fantastically steady hand, using the best laser technology that I could afford. Forgive me for not taking a chance on freebie-prize-draw laser eye surgery.

What’s next, free prize draw appendix removal? A year’s supply of complementary buttock augmentation?

(For the record, I would suggest that anyone who goes into a clinic asking for buttock augmentation with a straight face should be immediately treated for whatever personality disorder they are currently battling with!)

Talking about a year’s supply of…

A new trainer shop opened recently in my home town (for the benefit of my American readers, trainers are what you call sneakers. I know, quaint aren’t we?), and the immediate and very obvious impact is that it seems like 50% of the town’s population are now wearing shiny new trainers. You see, we have a limited number of brand name shops here in Lancaster, and so it seems that when it comes to opening new shops, “build it and they will come” is the general principle.

(Although that didn’t quite work with the local accordion shop, which does look to be struggling. It seems people want trainers more than accordions…who knew? I guess the market has spoken.)

Anyway, as part of the big launch, this new shop invited people to enter their grand opening competition by text message, for the chance to win a year’s supply of trainers.

“FREE TRAINERS FOR A YEAR!” the posters screamed out. And as usual, I probably over-analysed this.

“Is that based on the winners’ previous spending pattern on trainers?” I wondered, “would I be asked to provide receipts?” As regular readers of ragtimecyclist.com will know, the vast majority of my disposable income (and to be honest, a good chunk of my in-disposable income) goes on purely bike related kit. If I won an actual, literal year’s supply of trainers, it would equate to about one trainer, at most. I would have to win a second year’s supply of trainers the following year to upgrade to a matching pair

Anyway, I didn’t enter the competition. This fancy new trainer vendor seems like just the sort of company who will only go and sell my details to any number of marketing companies, putting even greater pressure on my bulging inbox and it’s already questionable content.

“Fingerless faux fur gloves”, for example. I don’t want to win them…I can’t even picture them, to be honest.

Stop e-mailing me.

“Play online Bingo now, and get £5 free”. If I ever find myself playing bingo online in my spare time, that will be a sure sign that my best days are behind me.

Stop e-mailing me.

“UK Cycles – WIN THE BIKE OF YOUR DREAMS!”

Oh, hang on. Now THIS looks interesting.

I think the buttock augmentation competition can wait for now.